the anti-granny’s guide to dating and marriage

So I should have seen it coming. Really. This is ALL my fault. I have no one to blame but myself.

You’re probably wondering, *Gasp* “What did she do!?” right about now, aren’t you? Would you believe me if I told you the answer was as simple as making the decision to call my grandmother for ten minutes over the weekend to check in on her? Well, it’s the truth. I called grandma and it was a terrible mistake.

You know that stereotypical granny? The cute, sweet little thing who gives away baked goods and knits all the time? Yeah…this isn’t a story about her. This is a story about someone who is more like the anti-granny (AG).

Our conversation, after the opening how-do-you-do, started to quickly work its way downhill. It’s never good when, after she asks how work is, and I tell her, her follow-up question is, “have you met any young, single engineers yet?” No, sorry grandma, I’ve only met married engineers, except for that one single one, who, really, let’s be honest, there’s a reason why he’s single. Of course, I didn’t really give her that answer, I just politely said ‘no’.

So then she asked about my part-time job. It’s a retail position I have on the weekends to help me save up some extra money for grad school/pay off existing debt. It’s not glamorous. She asked me if I met anyone nice through there. When I reminded her that I really didn’t want to date someone whose career ambition was stocking shelves and occasionally running a cash register, she asked me about our customers. Surely there are some nice, young men who come through my line and I could date one of them. Holy cow! It’s work, it’s not speed-dating, and I really don’t think that I’d be able to make an accurate judgment about a man I could potentially date based on the contents of his basket and his reply to “will that be debit or credit?” Oooh, he said debit, AND he bought Christmas wrapping paper, he’s a keeper! Let’s call mom.

Once again, I bite my tongue and politely remind her about why I didn’t feel like that particular brand of coworker or customer would be a good idea for me to pursue for a future relationship. I think she didn’t want to admit that I had a point, but in the end my very compelling argument won and she moved on.

You didn’t really think she moved on…to another topic did you? No way! What’s the fun in that? I’m her only single grandchild after all. I think she’s taken it on as her mission in life to make sure I have a mate and soon…like, while she’s still mobile enough to ruin my wedding. Apparently, as AG, that’s her duty. She has a history of causing scenes at weddings, I wouldn’t expect mine to be any different. What scares me is she could potentially use mine as her finale. Lord help us all.

So, anyway, she moves on after realizing that I actually go to work to work and not to participate in some off-form of cubicle speed-dating. So she reminded me that I need to make sure to dedicate some time to finding a husband. I’m almost thirty after all and I don’t want to become an old maid.

Oh yes, granny brought out the “you’re almost thirty” and “you’ll be an old maid” cards IN ONE SENTENCE. Wow, triple-word score, 97 points, she wins, I lose. Now, if I were smart, I would have just faked poor reception and got off the phone. But no, I’m masochistic and stayed on the line and endured more torment. What’s worse is that I actually tried to reason with her. I should have known better.

Usually I don’t let her get to me, but this time, I just couldn’t help it. I just sort of figuratively stood there with wide eyes, frozen, as a train barreled towards me. It’s a touchy topic for sure. Ask any girl in my age bracket…there’s definitely an element of fear there. We’ve been around long enough to have a pretty good idea of what we do and don’t want. We’ve established a life on our own.

We don’t want to settle on the first boy who wanders across our path. We want to hold out for a man we can respect, someone who has similar beliefs and goals and aspirations. Is that so freaking wrong? But at the same time, all of our friends are getting married and mating and there’s this tiny glimmer of fear in the back of our heads that we’re going to be that friend. The one who is 40 and still single and people secretly think she might be gay “cuz omg how does she not have a husband by now?”

I was kidding about that last part, by the way.

The whole thing with anti-granny just really frustrated me because I personally believe that I serve a really HUGE God. And He has someone amazing out there for me. And I don’t need to just blurt out an “I do” to some random guy just because I’m on the brink of 30. And – by the way – I’m only 26. I’m NOT on the brink of 30, thankyouverymuch.  A lot can happen in four years, in four months, even.

But really, everything about life seems to scream at late twenty somethings that they have to marry, mate, and procreate right away. The last thing I need is my family…even if it is only anti-granny…trying to drive that point home even harder. And what hurts my ego the most, is that I actually let her get to me.

See? I told you I deserved it. I never should have hit the little green send button on the cell phone. Next time, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m going to fake poor reception and end the call.

Now you should all go and call your grandma…if nothing else, to thank her for not being the anti-granny.

~ by jenchall on December 15, 2008.